WI: 205
I am still struggling with the mental portion of the game. I need to come up with a revelation that will re-energize my motivation and dedication to a healthy lifestyle that sticks for the long run. Like most people my will to loose weight and stay healthy ebbs and tides like the ocean. My cycles seem to go in 50 pound increments over about a 3 year period. In the summer of 2004 I had worked my way down to 194. By summer of 2007 I had worked my way back up to 243 pounds before becoming disgusted with myself once again. By the summer of 2009 (this last summer) i had moved back down to 195. Today I sit at 205 watching myself slowly head back in a direction I don't want to go. A place I have been before but only this time older with a less resilient body. Why is mid 190s my magic number where I get hung up in my adult life weight wise? The summer before my senior year I got down to 168 and felt pretty good. I was a little to skinny I think or I guess lacked muscle but I guess I was really young then. Mentally I am trying to figure out what clicks in the 190s to where I throw in the towel and quit caring. Its not that I don't care cause I do and I don't want to have to go through the weight loss process again. It also bugs me that I never really hit my major goal of 180 pounds. I know that 180lbs isn't a magic number that is going to make things in my bodies world perfect but mentally its where I have always wanted to get. Truth is I know overweight people struggle with maintaining their weight. I totally believe that 97% of people never really maintain there weight loss and up to this point I fit the demographic. Loosing weight is something that I know I can do cause I have done it a handful of times before. But maintaining it and reaching a goal weight is something I haven't been able to do. Doubt has really sunk deep into my head. I have lots of thoughts blaming my genetics and upraising for my weight issues and body image. Matter of fact there have been many days in the last few months where I just don't care or my mind is absent of any self regulation in regards to food. I have thought "whatever, it doesn't matter I am already fat and this one meal isn't gonna make it any worse" way to many times recently. The thing that drives me crazy is I feel like if I eat 1500 cals a day I maintain or barely loose and in return I can eat closer to 3k a day and maintain or barely gain.
I think part of my problem is my support group is running thin. Most of the people I hang out with (friends and family) are genetically skinny and don't have to worry about what they eat/drink. The ones that are over weight don't seem to care or weight loss/healthy lifestyles is not important to them. You know what they say about "when in Rome" = eating sh!t and drinking. Truthfully, the online community isn't really there anymore either (I am sure you are thinking "why is he writing this then?"). My answer is "I don't know" and most likely because blogging has helped me in the past (I do miss the FAT Coalition). I do have to say thanks to my one loyal reader David who has seemed to always have my back. If anyone reading this knows of any other on-line blog groups that are more involved give me a shout out. Even my wife is less involved with helping me out. Our house has more junk food in it, shes not working out much, and our cooking has been less healthy including much more eating out. She used to actually read my blog and be involved with my well being. I know she is still behind me and there for me but its not at the forefront of her mind. I guess we all have a thousand other things to worry about (finance, kids, jobs, relationships, houses, image, personal hobbies etc).
I know, I am being a debbie downer so I will quit. I also realize all the above is bunch of lame excuses and I only have myself to blame. I just need to get a grip.
I guess one semi good thing is I am still working out 3-4 times a week which is better than the average American.
Sorry for the really long winded ramble... back to the drawing board.
6 comments:
I'm not sure if I should kick your ass, or go eat a donut. I'm gonna go with kick your ass.
Everyone else isn't going to lose the weight for you. So what if your wife and friends aren't on the wagon with you... its still YOU that has to do this. Think of your motivation... your son, your health... your life.
Is this pitty party really how you want to feel the rest of your life? Dont you miss the excitement of succeeding in something you worked so hard for?
It took me over a year to pass the 200 lb mark. As soon as I did I would self sabotage myself and go up to 204 again. Once I realized that it was just the plain fear of actually reaching my goal... I got to 199, 189, 179... and I'm still going.
Damn, if I can keep riding this roller coaster, you sure as hell better not get off.
It seems to me that being harsh here is going to do one of two things: either get you off your ass or put you further in the dumps. Ah well, whatever, I think I'll do it.
First things first. You still think of yourself as a complete fatass. Have you chanced to take a look at yourself lately, or compared a picture from three years ago to ones that were taken on your cruise? I'm not seeing a fatass there. Not even close. I'm seeing a guy who's got a "hardloser" complex, who wants this magic number. Really? Who says you HAVE to be this magic number? Only you. You aren't listening to your inner self talk. Right now your inner talk is going all BS on you, telling you how absolutely fucking fat you are. WHICH IS NOT TRUE. Sure, there may be a few excess pounds in there (and in clothes, I can't tell where they're at, which is saying something), but honestly- a professionally designed muscle-building program may be what your body needs instead of the other way around.
You don't care because you've been at this for WAY TOO LONG and haven't seen the results you want to see. Therefore, your body and your subconscious brain are trying to tell you something. It's sick and tired of losing weight. It doesn't want to do it any more. All this fatass self-talk has got your body resisting any more weight loss, because it knows you haven't been happy with it anyway. Therefore, it might as well maintain or gain.
It's time your mindset changed. Be grateful every minute for where you're at, and enjoy the benefits that come along with it (whether that's being able to go for a fun run, or horsing around with kids, or the absolutely amazing ability to just walk up some stairs and not lose any breath doing it). Enjoy the vegetables to the fullest, and feel energized and alive when you eat them (or when you drink your water). Appreciate the taste and the fact that you have the choice to eat as many veggies as you can. Appreciate your wife when she cooks, and appreciate yourself when you cook, because you CAN. It's all about choice here. You can choose to be all pissy and self-defeating and apathetic, or you can choose to be grateful and thankful and appreciate what you DO have.
Well? Which one is it going to be?
Man, I hear you. Not too sure where my mojo went either. I keep forcing myself to the gym, forcing myself to read blogs, and stay in the game, even when I'm less than interested. Just don't give up!
Hey ripx! I go to Billy's blog and then run down everybody in his FAT list to see if anybody is updating. It looks like you and Will (4XL) are the only ones in the last couple months. I know exactly where you are coming from. Today I weighed in at 205.8. In the last 3.5 months I have lost 50 pounds. It is really really hard. I am worried too about maintenance. I just wanted to share with you what worked for me. I was doing it on my own before somebody told me it actually had a name. It is called the Paleolithic diet. Basically it is a diet where you eat all the veggies you want, all the fruit you want, some nuts and lean protein with every meal. You cut out all the grains, beans, potatoes, dairy (I still have whey shakes post work out) out of your diet. The nice thing is that I am always full when I eat this way. Most meals resemble a big salad and some chicken/salmon/steak with an apple or pear and a handful of almonds/walnuts/macadamia nuts. Here is a link if you are interested in learning more: http://www.earth360.com/diet_paleodiet_balzer.html
I am really happy with it. I lift 4 days a week and have not lost any muscle mass. I know what you mean about wanting an online community. I planned on trying to join FAT but could not bring myself to posting a 250+ pound picture of myself so instead I just watched you guys. I yo-yo dieted for a long time until I cut out all grains/beans/potatoes from my diet. I have two sons, oldest almost 4 and youngest almost 2. I decided I wanted to be the model of health and fitness for them. I decided that I would do whatever it took to make sure they had a male role model that was muscular and thin. I also want to make sure that I am around to see them get married and I want to wrestle with grandchildren. You can do it man. You have to go shopping for yourself and buy the right fuel for your body. Let the rest of the family eat what they need to eat. Buy what is right for you: Lean protein, lots of veggies and fruit, some nuts and drink lots of water. Good luck and post a lot. I am watching.
Hi there. Sorry I haven't been there for you. I think you just have to keep doing *something*. That's what has helps me to somewhat maintain anyways. I do sometimes wish that we could go back to the old days of the FAT Coalition. It was a nice little community - including the drama :)
Btw...I think my husband and I are going to start doing the P90X program. It looks a lot like the bootcamp classes I used to do when I was at my best. Plus, I remember that's when you started seeing the big results.
...and I might be blogging a little more with more to write about.
Good luck figuring everything out.
I am still here, trying to get into the swing of things without the gym now. It is not as easy as I was hoping. Good news is that I am down 10 pounds now.
Bad news is that I am the same situation as you. I get down to 160, then back up to 195 or so. I know how you feel. Maybe I will update my blog about it :)
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