My Blog / Mind Dump / Frustration

I finally feel like I am starting to round the corner and get back to real. I have been doing allot of thinking about why I started this journey in the first place. I have also been trying to address the low self esteem and failure mechanism that seem to plague me. There really isn't a day that goes by that I don't question what the hell I am doing or why. So getting fit is really at the forefront of my mind. I struggle with telling people in my life (family and friends) that I am trying to make a change. I have said it to many times before to fail and return back to my fat roots. I am sick of all the questions, skepticism, uneducated comments, and doubt that I receive from certain individuals in my life. These are people that I can not just write off and walk away from cause I know they are just uninformed and they do mean allot to me. The only thing in their health arsenal is low fat, low cal etc (diet of the 70s - 80s). I have always struggled with being the topic of conversation or being the notorious "Wave Maker". I don't like it when my choices impact other peoples lives in what they view as a "negative light". I don't know how many times I have heard "Well, what can you eat then??". With that snyd frustrated air in the question because my choices are impacting their pizza feed/ processed carb bomb. Then if I don't eat or say anything they think I don't like their food or that there is something wrong. Then compound that into a never ending cycle. Many of my friends are genetically gifted and don't really need to watch what they eat or drink so they think what i am doing is outlandish and weird. I have seriously looked them in the eye at times and said "would you want to be fat like me?". Then the bull shit comments about "your not fat" or "your too hard on yourself" start up. Who are they trying to kid? I am sure as hell not falling for it. I just really hate the fact that some people never have to work on being in shape. They just don't understand and cannot relate. Their hard workout is a f-n walk in the park for me but yet I am a big fat ass.... I don't really know what all this means but I think its all coming to a head. Something has to give and its not gonna be me saying "I am genetically fat so I might as well get used to it". F that, it's such bs. I know allot of the paragraph above is me being a whiner or excuse beaatch. I also know that the majority of you probably experience the same things and some how managed to make it. I also know I need to just commit to it and let everything else fly out the window.

Diet is planned and good today. I did a interval variation last night that I came up with on the A workout Billy was doing for a while. I don't think I was in good enough shape to really do the T-nation workouts effectively. So I took a few of the big moves and added a few others etc. I am pretty soar today and I didnt puke which was nice. I weighed in at 226 today and that sucks!

I'm Back

Hey FAT I know I have been absent allot lately. I am going to be a better more frequent blogger than I have been in the last month.

We just had a almost week long vacation down in Sunriver with a bunch of friends and family. We all had a really nice time and everyone made it there and home in one piece. It was a hard week for me to be in my own fat skin. The other 3 guys down there are all fire fighters and in phenomenally good shape (we are all close to the same age). Two of them are training for a iron man this coming summer and all three have ran marathons etc. Then there is me.... not a fireman and fat. I really felt out of touch, old, out of shape, and down about it in general. I only got in the hot tub one time cause I am embarrassed of who I am with my shirt off. Then to top it off the last night we all drank way too much. I think it was probably the most intoxicated I have ever been in my life. Luckily I didn't do anything too stupid but all of us guys were embarrassed for our choices. I felt like I had to apologize to the wives and ladies there and they all kind of chuckled at me and said "everyone needs to cut loose every once in a while". I think it was kind of a eye opener for me. I didn't like the feeling that night or the day after. I think I am going to stay away from the booze for a while and reflect. I don't drink all that often and I was trying to save calories by not eating much. I don't like having those "Why did I do that" moments. Anyway I don't know why I am writing about this but I suppose its because it's on my mind. On top of all that healthy eating and exercise didn't happen much while I was down there. I did ski one day which was quite the workout for me. I am getting back on the treadmill tonight for a hard cardio workout. I need to flush all the bad out.


For all you tech heads like me.... Have you checked out GA (google analytics?). It's free with your g-mail account. It pretty much tracks all the traffic on your site. You can see what cities people are logging in from, number of hits, and a ton of other information. I have put it on my blog and my personal home page. Its been really interesting to watch hit trends etc. On days I write a blog it goes way up (as you would expect).

I am going to try and catch up on all your blogs today at lunch. Hope everything is going well and that the fat is coming off for the rest of you.

Does it get any easier?

For those of you that are doing the t-nation A and B workouts that Billy posted about are they getting any easier? I don't know if its the big compound movements or what but I cant get through these workouts without feeling like absolute sh*t. Last night after doing the majority of workout A I was laying on the hardwood floor trying to cool down cause I was on the verge of puking. The puke factor seems huge in these workouts for me. I don't know if I am just in really bad cardio shape or what. At this point I dread doing them cause it makes me feel so ill during and 20-30 mins after. I tried to take longer breaks in between sets but still cant dodge the feeling that I am going to yuke. I don't really get cardio winded I just start feeling sick. I do get breathing some and sweat but not as much as when I am on the treadmill running. Any advice? I am not sure what the deal is.

Brian, In answer to your comment/question, no I am not any closer. I pretty much ate like a a$$ hat over the new years holiday. This morning I weighed in at 225 which really made me feel like crap. I am pretty frustrated with myself at this point but I think that's a good thing. As I mentioned on Robs blog its been 2 months since I have written "new low" on my blog. That is just unacceptable to me and I am embarrassed about it. That is why I haven't been blogging as much, cause I don't feel I deserve to post to a weight loss blog given my shatty performance. I know the only thing I can do is take control of the present and future. I am pissed that I have to re loose 5lbs... With that said thanks to all of you who continue to support me and my struggle to loose weight.

In other news we found out that our second son will come into the world via c-section on March 28th. I am really excited about that and am using it for motivation to be a healthier daddy by that time. We are also gearing up to put our home of 8 years on the market. With the new addition we are needing more space than our 1200sf home provides. I got to have a computer room and space to workout ya know.....