My Blog / Mind Dump / Frustration

I finally feel like I am starting to round the corner and get back to real. I have been doing allot of thinking about why I started this journey in the first place. I have also been trying to address the low self esteem and failure mechanism that seem to plague me. There really isn't a day that goes by that I don't question what the hell I am doing or why. So getting fit is really at the forefront of my mind. I struggle with telling people in my life (family and friends) that I am trying to make a change. I have said it to many times before to fail and return back to my fat roots. I am sick of all the questions, skepticism, uneducated comments, and doubt that I receive from certain individuals in my life. These are people that I can not just write off and walk away from cause I know they are just uninformed and they do mean allot to me. The only thing in their health arsenal is low fat, low cal etc (diet of the 70s - 80s). I have always struggled with being the topic of conversation or being the notorious "Wave Maker". I don't like it when my choices impact other peoples lives in what they view as a "negative light". I don't know how many times I have heard "Well, what can you eat then??". With that snyd frustrated air in the question because my choices are impacting their pizza feed/ processed carb bomb. Then if I don't eat or say anything they think I don't like their food or that there is something wrong. Then compound that into a never ending cycle. Many of my friends are genetically gifted and don't really need to watch what they eat or drink so they think what i am doing is outlandish and weird. I have seriously looked them in the eye at times and said "would you want to be fat like me?". Then the bull shit comments about "your not fat" or "your too hard on yourself" start up. Who are they trying to kid? I am sure as hell not falling for it. I just really hate the fact that some people never have to work on being in shape. They just don't understand and cannot relate. Their hard workout is a f-n walk in the park for me but yet I am a big fat ass.... I don't really know what all this means but I think its all coming to a head. Something has to give and its not gonna be me saying "I am genetically fat so I might as well get used to it". F that, it's such bs. I know allot of the paragraph above is me being a whiner or excuse beaatch. I also know that the majority of you probably experience the same things and some how managed to make it. I also know I need to just commit to it and let everything else fly out the window.

Diet is planned and good today. I did a interval variation last night that I came up with on the A workout Billy was doing for a while. I don't think I was in good enough shape to really do the T-nation workouts effectively. So I took a few of the big moves and added a few others etc. I am pretty soar today and I didnt puke which was nice. I weighed in at 226 today and that sucks!

I'm Back

Hey FAT I know I have been absent allot lately. I am going to be a better more frequent blogger than I have been in the last month.

We just had a almost week long vacation down in Sunriver with a bunch of friends and family. We all had a really nice time and everyone made it there and home in one piece. It was a hard week for me to be in my own fat skin. The other 3 guys down there are all fire fighters and in phenomenally good shape (we are all close to the same age). Two of them are training for a iron man this coming summer and all three have ran marathons etc. Then there is me.... not a fireman and fat. I really felt out of touch, old, out of shape, and down about it in general. I only got in the hot tub one time cause I am embarrassed of who I am with my shirt off. Then to top it off the last night we all drank way too much. I think it was probably the most intoxicated I have ever been in my life. Luckily I didn't do anything too stupid but all of us guys were embarrassed for our choices. I felt like I had to apologize to the wives and ladies there and they all kind of chuckled at me and said "everyone needs to cut loose every once in a while". I think it was kind of a eye opener for me. I didn't like the feeling that night or the day after. I think I am going to stay away from the booze for a while and reflect. I don't drink all that often and I was trying to save calories by not eating much. I don't like having those "Why did I do that" moments. Anyway I don't know why I am writing about this but I suppose its because it's on my mind. On top of all that healthy eating and exercise didn't happen much while I was down there. I did ski one day which was quite the workout for me. I am getting back on the treadmill tonight for a hard cardio workout. I need to flush all the bad out.


For all you tech heads like me.... Have you checked out GA (google analytics?). It's free with your g-mail account. It pretty much tracks all the traffic on your site. You can see what cities people are logging in from, number of hits, and a ton of other information. I have put it on my blog and my personal home page. Its been really interesting to watch hit trends etc. On days I write a blog it goes way up (as you would expect).

I am going to try and catch up on all your blogs today at lunch. Hope everything is going well and that the fat is coming off for the rest of you.

Does it get any easier?

For those of you that are doing the t-nation A and B workouts that Billy posted about are they getting any easier? I don't know if its the big compound movements or what but I cant get through these workouts without feeling like absolute sh*t. Last night after doing the majority of workout A I was laying on the hardwood floor trying to cool down cause I was on the verge of puking. The puke factor seems huge in these workouts for me. I don't know if I am just in really bad cardio shape or what. At this point I dread doing them cause it makes me feel so ill during and 20-30 mins after. I tried to take longer breaks in between sets but still cant dodge the feeling that I am going to yuke. I don't really get cardio winded I just start feeling sick. I do get breathing some and sweat but not as much as when I am on the treadmill running. Any advice? I am not sure what the deal is.

Brian, In answer to your comment/question, no I am not any closer. I pretty much ate like a a$$ hat over the new years holiday. This morning I weighed in at 225 which really made me feel like crap. I am pretty frustrated with myself at this point but I think that's a good thing. As I mentioned on Robs blog its been 2 months since I have written "new low" on my blog. That is just unacceptable to me and I am embarrassed about it. That is why I haven't been blogging as much, cause I don't feel I deserve to post to a weight loss blog given my shatty performance. I know the only thing I can do is take control of the present and future. I am pissed that I have to re loose 5lbs... With that said thanks to all of you who continue to support me and my struggle to loose weight.

In other news we found out that our second son will come into the world via c-section on March 28th. I am really excited about that and am using it for motivation to be a healthier daddy by that time. We are also gearing up to put our home of 8 years on the market. With the new addition we are needing more space than our 1200sf home provides. I got to have a computer room and space to workout ya know.....

Happy Holidays FAT

I hope everyone in the FAT coalition had a wonderful holiday this year. We had a great Christmas in the Ripx household. My wife got me some very health specific gifts to get me back on track. I got a set of the Nautilus SelectTech 552 dumbbells with stand. Pretty much adjustable dumbbells from 5 - 52.5 lbs each. She also got me the "Psyho-cybernetics" book that was recommended to me by Billy early this month. I am looking forward to working on both my muscles and my mind/self image. I received some xmas cash from a couple relatives that I am going to invest into a few other fitness related items too. I feel like I am really ready to put my nose back to the grindstone. I have been pretty sloppy the last month and I know it. Today I am looking forward to tomorrow and what I can accomplish in the next month, 6 months, or a year. Time to throw some more coal on the embers. I am going to be 215 by the end of January. Don't wait until Jan 1, start today!

Update

Hey FAT. Just thought I would write a quick post to let you know how things are going in Ripx world (thanks for prodding me Melissa). I have been doing ok, still not exercising as much as I should nor eating as clean as I should be. Not that its been all bad but I'm definitely not earning it. I guess I have been doing enough to maintain as I really haven't gained any weight either. Still sitting at 222 as of this morning. I haven't given up at all and I know I still have a long way to go in the weight loss arena. I am getting back to cleaner days and exercise as I have no other choice in my eyes.

The holidays have been really good this year. It's amazing how much joy a child can bring you around the holidays. My son has been allot of fun to watch this year. You can almost see the Christmas magic in him. We took him up to Mt Hood last weekend for a night and went sledding. He had a really good time and I got a bunch of exercise pulling him up the hill over and over.

Two weeks ago I went to the Tool concert here in Portland with a friend/ex-coworker that I hadn't seen in some time. It was really cool to see him and have a night out with the guys. Tool was awesome live, they sounded just like they do on their albums. The picture on the right is from my phone so its not the greatest but they sure had a sweet laser light show.

I cant believe that Christmas is less than a week away. Its amazing how fast it sneaks up on you as you get older. Thanks for all the supportive comments and for helping me keep health at the forefront of my mind.

Still Kicking

Just wanted to drop a quick line to say I am alive and kicking. I am still kind of having a hard time getting in the right state of mind diet and exercise wise. As I was laying on the couch today finishing watching the Seahawks whomp on Arizona my wife looked over at me and said "why don't you go do some HIIT or get on that treadmill". Kind of a slap in the face but also kind of what I think I needed. So I did 30 mins of jogging on the treadmill. It felt good and I am glad she said something. We got our xmas tree and put up lights this weekend on the outside of the house. My son is at the perfect age this year and is so excited about the Christmas season and the lights on "his" house. I do love this time of year. Hope you are all doing well.

Working On the Inside

I know my last post was kind of negative with the glass is half empty approach. It seems that the majority of the comments left for me had a theme of me needing to work on the inside. Because I am going to succeed at this endeavor I do need to take your comments to heart (as I respect all your opinions). But truthfully I am left a little confused. How does one work on their inside? Believe me I think about being fat and out of shape daily. I think about all the reasons I want to change and why. I know I have a wonderful life and that I am very fortunate for what I have and what I have accomplished in my time. I am pretty much doing what I always thought I would do. I have wonderful friends & family, a loving wife, a incredible son and another on the way, the ability to support them, an education, and I am happy the majority of the time. Being fat is one of the negative things in my life. So believe me I do want to change that. I do believe my downfall is mainly food and the mentality around it. I have always been somewhat reserved with a questionable self image, but that is just me the way I have always been. I just don't understand how one fixes something like that.

On a health note I did some interval training yesterday and the diet was good. So I am sitting on the back of the health wagon bouncing along trying to find my way back up to the front with the rest of you. I also had my annual Dr. appt yesterday and the doc took notice of the weight I have lost so far. We talked about fitness/turkey trot etc and he seemed supportive and happy for me (that was nice). Thanks FAT for being in my corner, don't throw the white towel in for me I got lots of fight left.